Letting Go and Trusting in My Teeth

It was a great visit to LA.. The main reason I came was to see a cutting edge orthodontist at UCLA for a second opinion about my teeth. They'd spontaneously moved out of alignment a few years ago after about 20+ years of being perfectly aligned. I was prepared for more news of needing X-rays, braces, mouth guards, lots of big bills, etc. to move my teeth back and realign my jaw. But what I got instead was some counseling from a very experienced, sweet, fatherly-type orthodontist. His prescription: no orthodontics, no mouth devices (for now). Just relax my jaw, stop touching my teeth together, stop trying so hard, have more fun, and things will start to shift back into place.

Wow! Really? I was shocked. This was not at all what I expected to hear, yet it was exactly what I needed to hear! In fact, I have done a lot orthodontics and many alternative therapies in the last few years, with minimal results. It's been rather upsetting as I've been concerned about continually chipping and wearing down my teeth, as were the specialists I've worked with. So, to hear an 40+ year expert say to just let it go and basically trust that it will be okay, after so many experts have wanted to give me extensive and expensive treatment, really caught me off guard. And, yet it's so very perfect. It will require a lot of awareness for the ways I hold tension and chew my food. But I am so ready to release the stress that I carry in my jaw and ready to trust even more in the Universal support and wisdom that is always present within me, wanting to be known.

In fact, increasing awareness is exactly what I've already been focusing on in the area of speech (see last 2 blogs). So to be told to actually put my awareness into my mouth is just too ironic. In yoga, our speech (vak) is said to start in the unconscious. It then moves forward into the conscious as thought energy. Then it forms in the mind as thought words, and finally it comes out of the mouth as actual words. So it's perfect as I'm already so focused on what comes out of my mouth in that last stage of speech, and now I just need to focus on the actual muscles of my mouth/jaw and how I'm using them in those thinking and speaking stages.

As far as relaxing more and having more fun goes, well this is also just the perfect advice for me and something I've already been attending to. From my coaching work, I recognized I wanted to prioritize more time with friends and community. From my Voice Dialogue coaching, I recognized that the "Spiritual Pusher" and "Doer" parts of me tend to run the show and the parts that want to relax and play are often left behind. So I've been taking more time off and scheduling in play time with Patrick, friends and family. Summer is going to be chock full of fun!

For now, I have surrendered my plan to work with an expensive bio-aesthetic dentist and have already greatly heightened my awareness for how I chew, talk and hold my jaw. I'm excited to recognize that I can be my own healer on this journey of the mouth, and am looking forward to more inner mouth freedom! Frisbee anyone?

Yoga Immersions and Conscious Communication

Vanessa and I just finished our 3rd weekend of the Ashland Immersion. I'm happy to be halfway through both Immersions now. It's a very busy time for me, since I'm co-teaching two Immersions simultaneously, plus doing a Level 2 Immersion in addition to my weekly classes. Whoa! I've never taught the Immersions simultaneously like this. It's not my ideal schedule, but it's how it worked out, and there's a lot that I'm appreciating about it. I'm doing all the planning and scheduling for the Arcata Immersion, since it meets first, and we're using that for the Ashland one. It's more efficient for us, plus our students can do make-ups in either group if needed, which has been cool. So what's been interesting is witnessing the similarities and differences between the two groups and teaching experiences. I get to watch how my teaching evolves and improves between the two weekends, and how the different groups respond to the same material. I also enjoy watching the various group dynamics as well as how my co -teachers bring in unique perspectives and insights. I really appreciated how organized and clear Joshua's anatomy session was. I'm now in the midst of teaching my 9th Immersion and it seems there's no end to how much I can learn from these courses. It just keeps getting better!

What I especially enjoyed covering these last 2 weekends was the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, and specifically the yamas and niyamas (social restraints and personal disciplines). I felt great resonance with the topics of ahimsa (non-violence) and satya (truth), as these are very much at the forefront of my mind. I've been looking deeply into my own communication habits and those of our society at large, and have felt surprised to see all the times we mask our feelings, hide the truth, or use subtle forms of aggression (usually in the form of judgments or blaming), in our speech.

So it was fun for me to bring forward a bit of my knowledge about NVC (Non-Violent Communication) and my recent work in coaching and speaking my truth (see last blog) during that Immersion lecture. And I could see that the students were also quite inspired by the discussion. It was super juicy for them as it was so relevant to their daily struggles. And I'm guessing my enthusiasm was pretty contagious too.

For me, paying attention to my speech (vak) is a huge part of my practice (see Sept. 22 blog and April 3). It's where I am bringing so much more svadyaya (mindfulness) now than ever before, and it's what I am finding huge passion about. And I'm loving the fact that my friends and students are really open to learning about it. They are recognizing places where their communication habits are falling short or even inhibiting them from reaching their communication goals, and they're wanting to make positive change. So when appropriate, I offer my knowledge and coach them along. It seems to be helpful for them and I think it's fun!

And I really appreciate when people are willing to coach me too. I thrive on constructive and compassionate feedback, and am always happy to grow and learn, even when it's hard work. I recently had a great email session with a friend who's quite skilled in the language of ownership/truth-telling. She helped me to see where I could step it up even more in fully owning my feelings. She showed me how wanting something "for" somebody else was not taking responsibility for my feelings. It was so satisfying to get clear about what feelings were mine and which were actually projections. I can see this takes much steady practice over a long period of time (abhyasa)!

So this is my yoga: bringing mindfulness, kindness, compassion and truth into my speech in a much deeper and more conscious way. I'm excited to see how it will all unfold over time and who in my community may want to step forward and play with me in this fun game of truth. Is there somebody you'd like to be get more honest with?
Look for NVC workshops and practice groups coming to the Community Yoga Center soon!!

Spring Cleaning by Telling the Truth

I've been doing so much inner work lately, it's like I'm Spring Cleaning from the inside out, and boy does it feel great! What most excites me is practicing the yoga of conscious communication and telling my true feelings when it feels risky. This is satya, telling the truth, the second yama (social guideline) of Patanjali's yoga sutra. It's not like I've been lying, but I just haven't been disclosing all of how I feel, in order to protect myself or the other person in some way. But it's created disconnections rather than the true connections I crave.

I've stayed away from phrases like "you made me withdraw," "you've caused me so much frustration," "you hurt my feelings," etc., because I want to avoid blaming the other person for causing my feelings. I know I am the only one responsible for my feelings ( = "owning"), and "telling the truth" for me has been sharing them. The truth cannot be argued with. Nobody can tell you what you're feeling is incorrect, right? It's yours and yours alone. So when we let others know how we feel without putting any blame on them, they are much more likely to be receptive. It's a win-win! And for sure, it takes commitment and steady practice (abhyasa).

One tool that I found especially helpful was the NVC (Non-Violent Communication) lists of actual feelings and faux feelings. Many of us don't have a large vocabulary for how we feel. It's just not something that we're trained in. So even when we may be trying to take full responsibility, we often end up using words for feelings that are not true feelings, they're actually assessments of how we think others are treating us, and people may respond defensively. Here are some examples of faux feelings (notice they can even be positive): accepted, appreciated, blamed, ignored, abandoned, criticized, attacked, pressured, intimidated. Those words are actually attempting to evaluate what the other person has done "to you" instead of saying how you actually feel. This is judging language. It tends to close the door to intimacy rather than open it. And it is not taking 100% responsibility, so it is disempowering.

In fact, it's quite common to insert the words "I feel like" in front of a thought, belief, or one of these faux feelings, to make it sound like a feeling. For example: "I feel pressured," or "I feel like you're neglecting me." I know this a tricky one to grock because this language style is deeply imbedded in our society. So if "I feel like, I feel you, or I feel that" could be replaced by "I think, I believe, or I think you," then it's an assessment, not a feeling, and it will probably not be received in the way you'd like.

Go here to learn more and for a great list of true feelings: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory. Also, Marshall B. Rosenberg's book, Non-Violent Communication is a great read and an easy introduction to learning the practices of NVC, which involves much more than expressing our feelings.

So lately I've been taking big risks in some close relationships like never before. I've been telling my truth where previously I've withheld it out of fear of being rejected or hurting someone's feelings (which of course is impossible)! It's been scary for certain, but also incredibly liberating. I'm doing it consciously, fully owning it and the outcome has been awesome. I've found that when I've shared my truth, my friends have been very receptive and appreciative. They want to be let in and it inspires them to be more honest with me. Together, we break down a wall that we hadn't even realized was there.

Aaaah, I'm thrilled to finally be doing this deep work and letting in more intimacy. The Spring Cleaning has begun: I'm clearing out the old habits that have been hiding in the dusty corners of my closets. It's not always an easy task, but definitely very satisfying!

Seeing the Divine within

From my March Newsletter:

Spring is just around the corner. The earth is bursting with life and color - are you delighting in the creation?
As the teachings of Tantra Shaivism remind us, this entire world is an emanation of Shiva, the incredible source essence of auspiciousness, consciousness, presence, and joy. Then who we truly are is this radiant goodness, as is everything that we see, feel and think. All humans, plants, animals, rocks, roads, buildings, thoughts, behaviors, etc. have these auspicious qualities and are of the same positive source.

When we chant Om Namah Shivaya in our invocation (I bow to Shiva), we are remembering this source and honoring these auspicious qualities in the source and in ourselves, something we so often forget to do. But our practice is one of remembering.

Can you believe that everything you think and feel and do is an act of the Divine, even if it's not your best? Try the heart-opening practice of looking into the mirror and saying Shivo Ham (I am Shiva). Repeat this silent mantra as much as possible, especially after you've said something you wish you hadn't, and feel your heart soften. Next try looking into a baby's, a pet's, a lover's eyes and see Shiva looking back at you - om namah shivaya. Can you recognize this radiance in the rose bud, in the new grasses, in the yoga mat, in the clouds, in the trash heap? If you practice in this way, you just might experience less judgement and separation and more connection and joy in your world. I dare you to try!

May you delight in the abundant radiance of Spring. May you fully engage in the riches of the world and make every encounter one of divine recognition and joy.

Taking My Seat with Anusara Yoga

Where do I sit with this current scandal surrounding my teacher, John Friend? I sit here, holding strong, dedicated to Anusara like I always have been. Sthira Sukham Asanam are the lines from the Yoga Sutra stating that the seat (asana) should be steady and comfortable. While it hasn't been so comfortable lately, it's been steady, even as more details have come forward.
I love my teacher and I love Anusara. This is the method that I teach because it works and it resonates for me. It has completely empowered and transformed my life in incalculable ways over the last 11+ years, as it has for thousands of people. I have built my life around it. It is my truth.

So I am separating the method from the man, the teachings from the teacher. I have never had John on a pedestal so I do not need to knock him off, run away, or re-align my path. I have always seen him as a brilliant teacher, a guide, a smart business man, and more recently, as a friend. I have seen his ego and his faults, and yet I still bow to him as a master of asana, a great leader on the path of the heart, and an intelligent, silly, and playful being. And now I see that he has some shadows that he needs to deal with. Don't we all? He has given hundreds of thousands of people access to transformational spiritual teachings, and alignment principles,and many an awesome career, while teaching around the globe constantly, sustaining a massive organization and supporting a growing community and staff. So, I understand that he would need an outlet, want to have fun, and that he could get confused about priorities or power dynamics. He is human. And this type of thing happens SO often! But, we expect the highest from yoga and spiritual teachers (though he never claimed to be a spiritual guru, and certainly was not for me).

Of course, I am greatly disappointed that my teacher was not in alignment in his private affairs and some business relations. This is upsetting to me because I highly value accountability and integrity. And, I am very sad for any people that he may have hurt. He had breaks in integrity that I find hard to fathom. So he will need to earn my trust again, but I have faith that he can. He is still my teacher (one of many) and Anusara is still my home, at least for now.

Ultimately, I do not think that my teacher's actions need to reflect on the power of his teachings, the viability of his business or on my students, business or lifestyle. The yoga is still awesome, whether the leader messed up or not. He made stupid choices and had some screwy power plays, and he is paying big consequences. And I know it's an intensely painful journey for him. I am sad for him as he's worked tirelessly for 14 + years to help thousands of people and it is all shaking down so quickly. The public scrutiny has been harsh. But structural and personal changes needed to happen and now they are.

He has now stepped down as the CEO of Anusara Yoga and named a new CEO, a woman named Michal Lichtman. He is restructuring the business into a 501C3 non-profit organization and is forming committees of teachers to carry us forward. How exciting! He is also planning to take a sabbatical from teaching for some inner reflection. So I have faith that Anusara will live on in a new way, one that is more egalitarian and empowers the certified teachers to have a voice in the growth and direction of the organization. And I have faith that John will do some important inner work and come back even stronger.

The silver lining here for me is this: I have had to source my truth in the face of watching my teacher fall from Grace and witnessing many of my peers resign their affiliations. I have had to recognize that just because people I highly respect are bowing out, it does not mean that I feel the same way or have the same needs. So, it's been a time of much reflection about ethics, morals, relationships and the seat of the teacher. I have asked some bigger questions and sourced my own truth. My truth is that I am dedicated to Anusara Yoga and John Friend. I am honoring my truth and I am settling deeper into my seat.

Spanda

I've been teaching about spanda this week in classes and really appreciating the different angles that keep coming up for me about this topic. Spanda means vibration or pulsation and it refers to the constant contraction and expansion of the Supreme Consciousness in everything and everyone. So everything at its core is pulsing, whether we notice it or not. Expansion and contraction are part of nature, like the rhythm of our breath, the cycles of the moon and the cycles of each day and each year. We can't have contraction without expansion and vice versa.

I'm finding this especially helpful right now, as I've just come through a difficult time and I now have a couple of friends who are in a dark time. Even that expression, "dark time" connotes that it is a period of contraction that will end, and will be followed by expansion again. Often the trickiest thing for us is to remember this when we're in the darkness. We tend to feel shrouded in our darkness, sometimes lost in it and often can't see past it into the light. This is what friends are for. They remind us of spanda, that everything is pulsing and that we will eventually make our way back to the other side, the light.

I think it's also helpful to remember this when we're already in the light. We tend to get attached to it and forget that even the brightest times come to an end. Pulsation is inevitable so the practice is to learn how to ride the waves of the pulse without getting attached to either side, dark or light, contraction or expansion. Ultimately, we just embrace it all and see it all as a powerful learning opportunity on our adventure of life.

See you on the waves!

following through with our intentions

I realize I didn't mention a couple important things in yesterday's post.

Re. the Releasing Practice and letting go of past habits, beliefs, etc:
One thing that helps me, as I mentioned, is once I recognize I'm doing something habitual, I stop and really feel into it. I feel the bodily sensations associated with the thoughts or actions. (And often a "negative" habit pattern is associated with intense feelings). And I take a deep breath.
I recognize them as energy, shakti, and I watch their vibration (spanda) and how they often transform when I pay attention. When I can see the feelings or thoughts as simply energy, then it helps me to soften around them. To recognize everything is vibrating energy/shakti helps me to let go of the story of it and just rest in the energy. This helps me relax around the contracted feelings of attachment that arise when I'm believing my story or stuck in a "negative" habit or thought pattern.

Re. following through on our New Year's resolutions:
What has worked for me this year is to schedule my new "positive" habits right into my daily calendar. I don't just remember my intentions, or even look at a written "to-do" list, I actually put down the new habits directly into my calendar exactly when I'm going to do them. Of course, this works better for an actual task than for a belief or thought-pattern. So with new tasks: for me one of them is practicing my cello, I write down exactly what time each day I'm going to practice and for how long. Then it's best if most other events of my day are also scheduled with realistic time frames (this is key) so I'm more likely to follow through on my plans.

At first, I found it useful to put down absolutely everything I intend to do each day and for how long. For example: I put down what time I meditate and do my asana, what time I'll be eating, when I'll call to make a doctor appt. or a date with a friend, what hours I'll be working, doing errands, what time I take a walk, cook dinner, laundry, etc. (In the working and errands time slot, I make a list of tasks I intend to accomplish and when I don't accomplish them, I put them into the next day's schedule).

It seems very rigid at first, but for me, it's actually been very freeing. It's given me a sense of peace to know it's all written down and I don't have to remember everything. I stick to it as best I can and move things when necessary. After a while, a couple months or so, I notice that I am following through with certain new tasks; they become a new positive habit that I want to do and I automatically budget them into my day. So now, I find I schedule only the non-regular stuff and the daily rituals are already accounted for.

Best of luck and please let me know how it goes and whether you find this helpful!
Namste,
Robyn